Mending Our Mistakes

Matthew 5:23-24 (KJV)

(23) Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; (24) Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. 

I am the father of five children whom I love very much; my children are all grown now and have families of their own. Sometimes I look back to their childhood with regrets, there are times I would like to have a “do-over”, but I know that is not possible. If I could go back in time and start over there are five things I would do differently, and if you have young children please write what I’m about to tell you on your heart.

 I would strive to make sure they knew that I valued them.

Someone wisely said, “Time is an event”. If I could go back in time I would invest more time with my children and I would invest it more wisely and more often. It is through time invested that children believe they are valued.

 I would be a better listener.

Anytime they came to me I would be very careful to hear what they have to say, I would make sure to give them a voice.

 I would never raise my voice to a level of “yelling”.

As a parent, there are times when speaking sternly is necessary, but yelling means I’ve lost control of myself and them, and yelling does not solve anything and does not edify them.

 I would teach them the importance of the Bible being the final authority in their life.

There are many philosophies to live by, but the one that has stood the test of time and the only source that tells us of the redemption of man is the Bible.

 I would teach them the importance of their relationship with God.

I grew up in a faith community that stressed the outward appearance more than an inward relationship with Jesus Christ. I’m not saying that rules and standards are wrong, but I’ve come to realize that the outward appearance does not guarantee there is an inward relationship with Jesus; it only means one has learned to comply with the rules of religion. So if I could get a “do-over” I would focus on helping my children develop their relationship with God, because it is out of that relationship that we form our convictions. 

I’m confessing that I made mistakes in the most important relationships in my life and I have trespassed against those I love the most. Coming to realize this fact later than I should have I had to ask myself what steps can be taken to mend the mistakes! The following are some suggestions to mend our relationship mistakes.

 Go to God first.

Accept the fact that you made a mistake, that you have trespassed against someone that you love and you have possibly wounded their spirit. But before you go to the person you have offended you should first pray about the matter. Begin by confessing to God that you have trespassed, and then ask for wisdom to mend the mistake you have made.

 Use your relationship to mend your mistakes.

Someone wisely said, “Wounds caused by relationships are best healed with relationships.” There are two sides to this, first of all, a person that has been wounded by bad or abusive relationships can be healed through loving compassionate relationships and the best healing relationship of all is with Jesus Christ. The other side is if we have caused wounds in a relationship or if we have made a mistake that has caused a breach in the relationship, it is through taking positive actions in the relationship that we can mend it.

 The goal is reconciliation

To bring the relationship back to the place of connection again. To reconcile is to call back into union and friendship the affections which have been alienated; to restore to friendship or favor after estrangement. This is the goal of mending our mistakes, to be back in union.

 Show respect for their feelings and perspective.

By showing respect I’m suggesting that you make an effort to relate to how they feel toward what you have done. Express to them that you see how your actions hurt or offended them. But only tell them this if you are sincere about it.

 Confess that you have made a mistake.

To confess is to acknowledge that you have done something wrong. Humbly go to the person you have trespassed against and confess that you were wrong, don’t make excuses for what you did, just confess that you realize your actions or behaviors were wrong and that you want to make things right.

 Ask for forgiveness.

I have learned that it is better to ask for forgiveness than to state that you are sorry. Asking for forgiveness better relays the message that you are taking personal responsibility for your offense. It also gives the message that you realize the person does not have to forgive you, that you are putting the forgiveness decision in their control.

 Let your actions speak louder than your words.

If our mistakes have been many and if they have caused deep wounds it will take more than asking forgiveness to truly reconcile the relationship, it will also take a change in our behavior. We must be careful to not repeat our mistakes over and over again. We must be determined to change our actions and let our actions speak louder than our confession and apology.

 Give them time.

We have all heard the old saying that, “time heals all wounds.” I’ve never been one to believe that statement, I believe it is what we do or what others do over “time” that heals wounds. The point is if our mistakes have caused deep wounds then we must give the other person time to see that we are sincere in our confession and that we want to be in union with them and that we want the relationship to be at its best.

 We won’t resolve every issue.

The goal of reconciliation is not to agree on an issue but to reconcile the relationship. No matter what we do we are not going to agree on everything, we are not going to see everything the same way because we are different. But we can reconcile our relationships. We can seek to understand and be understood so that we can get along even when we don’t agree on an issue.

 Mended relationships are stronger relationships.

Ships that survive storms usually need repairs, but after the storm and after the repairs are complete the ship is stronger than it was before the storm because the storm revealed the ship's weaknesses and the necessary repairs made it stronger. I have learned that the same can be true of our relationships. The storms we weather through our mistakes and trespasses can reveal our weaknesses, but once we work on repairing those weaknesses our relationships can be stronger than ever.

Good Relationships are Intentional

We refer to bad things that happen to us as accidents, therefore it is unwise to suggest that a good relationship happens by accident but rather to understand that good relationships happen on purpose and are intentional. That is not to say that we don’t meet people with whom we easily connect. And no matter how hard we try even the best relationships will have struggles. However, if we are going to have the best relationships possible we must be intentional in making them the best they can possibly be.

God was intentional in creating the world, He was also intentional when He created man and He is intentional in His relationship with us. We see this truth very clearly in the following passage, “(26) And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. (27) So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. (28) And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. (29) And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.” Genesis 1:26-29

Here are some thoughts on how we can make our relationships intentionally good and if they are already good, then we can make them intentionally better.

What is the purpose of the relationship?

We don’t consciously think about this but every relationship has a purpose and not all relationships have the same purpose. The relationship I have with my wife is different than the relationship I have with any other human being. Debbie is my life partner, we share everything. Marriage is the only relationship God instituted where two people become one. The primary purpose of the marriage relationship is for companionship, God said “it is not good for the man to be alone”, and then he created the woman.

The purpose of friendship is also for companionship. We have business relationships that serve their own purpose. The relationships we form with like-minded fellow believers in Jesus Christ are special for unique reasons, we have a common bond in Christ, we have a family-like connection as children of God and we have a common purpose in our worship and propagation of the Gospel message. God gives us other purposes for our relationships which we will only list here and exhort another time. Scripture tells us we are to love, prefer, receive, admonish, serve, be burden bearers, forbear, exhort, edify and forgive one another. This is only a portion of “one another’s” given in Scripture, but each one holds a relationship purpose. Consider your closet relationships, what is their purpose?

Intentional relationships have a common bond

Scripture tells us “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” (2nd Corinthians 6:14)

The common bond of a relationship can sometimes be a challenge for young people and for adults as well, for example, anger, bitterness, rebellion, the perspective of being victimized and other negative emotions can be common bonds in a relationship. Negative feeds upon negative and positive upon positive in a relationship. Recall that the fruit tree yields fruit after his kind, whose seed is in its self!

The common bond of our closest relationships should first be Jesus Christ, followed by serving God, serving others and edifying one another.

Intentional relationships recognize differences

Our relationships are different with different people and no two people are the same. I have a dear friend named Joe, he and I have been friends for over forty years. Joe has his own unique personality and we have more than one common bond, Joe is perhaps one of the closest friends I have ever had. I also have a friend named Tom. He and I have been friends for forty years also. Joe and Tom have different personalities and interests and to a point, our common bonds are a little different. The point is God made us different, we should recognize the differences and enjoy people for who they are and for the connection we have to them.

Intentional relationships strengthen intentionally

“Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend”. (Provers 27:17) When any relationship has the intentional purpose of strengthening the other that relationship will be productive for all parties. When a marriage is intentionally strong and thriving the children are going to thrive. When people and leadership of a church or organization are intentionally strong the people and the community will thrive. When the leadership and workers of a business are intentional with their relationship with each other, everyone will benefit.

If you truly want to improve your relationships, no matter who the relationship is with, be assured it will not happen by accident, it will require an earnest effort on your part, and when both parties or all parties involved want to make improvements and are willing to be intentional, great things can happen! So make something good happen on purpose!!!

Good Relationships Require Sacrifices

In an episode of the comic strip “Peanuts,” Charlie Brown cracks open his piggy bank. He says to Lucy, “Look, I’ve got $9.11 to spend on Christmas gifts.” Lucy is not impressed as she says, “You can’t buy something for everyone with $9.11, Charlie Brown.” Charlie Brown says, “Oh yeah? Well, I’m gonna try!” “Then” Lucy continues, “they’re sure gonna be cheap presents.” Charlie says with absolute conviction, “Nothing is cheap if it costs all that you have.”

People often say they want their relationships to improve, but they are unwilling to take the necessary steps to improve them, they are unwilling to make sacrifices to make their relationships better.

Genesis 3:21 says, Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them. This is the first Gospel message in Scripture, not in words but in action. God sacrificed an innocent animal to cover Adam and Eve. In my humble opinion, God sacrificed a lamb for each of them. This short verse also reveals an important relationship principle, as these words introduce the model in which God teaches us to seek reconciliation in our relationships and restoration when our relationships are breached. Although the word Sacrifice is not used in the verse, sacrifice is demonstrated by the action God took. The word sacrifice means, to destroy, surrender or suffer to be lost for the sake of obtaining something. Let’s evaluate the sacrifice God made for Adam and Eve’s coverings to see what we can learn about relationships.

God Went to Them

Adam and Eve had made aprons of fig leaves and gone into hiding. They were no doubt ashamed of what they had let happen. But in spite of their shame they did not go to God, they did not seek reconciliation with God and they did not go to Him seeking forgiveness. But we do find a loving and merciful God going to Adam and the Woman. The interesting thing is that God had not wronged them, God did not sin against Adam and Eve, God did not breach His relationship with them, they did all of those things to God and yet He is the one that reached out to them in reconciliation.

God Offered the Sacrifice

Adam and Eve did not make the sacrifice, God did. Adam and Eve had never seen bloodshed, they had never witnessed death. Imagine how traumatic it would have been for Adam and the Woman to witness God take the life of an innocent animal, shed the animal’s blood and make coats of skins to cover them with. I believe God took the life of an animal for each one of them and I believe the animal was a lamb. I’m saying sometimes to reconcile we must make difficult sacrifices.

The Sacrifice Made Determines the Value of the One Sacrificed For

When God offered a sacrifice to cover Adam and the Woman He expressed to them that He deemed them valuable. And that He valued His relationship with them. When we make sacrifices to improve our relationships, or to restore broken relationships, our sacrifices express to the other party that we value them and the relationship we know we can have with them.

The Reconciliation Was About Adam and Eve

I want to be careful here, there is an application to be made about reconciling relationships. But I must stress this ---ultimately everything is about the glory of God. Creation is about the glory of God, the Cross is about the glory of God. But we must understand this; Jesus did not shed his blood and die on the Cross for His sin. He shed his blood on the Cross and died for our sins. In this sense, the Cross is about us.

When God the Father made a sacrifice to cover Adam and Eve, God had not sinned against them, God had not wronged them! In that sense, the sacrifice was not about God, it was about Adam and Eve. It was about their reconciliation to God.

We think reconciling with someone is about us. We’ve been wronged, we won’t forgive, won’t reconcile because we have made reconciliation about us, It’s not about you! It’s about them and it’s still about the glory of God!

God Made a Complete Covering for Them

When we make a sacrifice in reconciliation for a complete covering, we don’t keep bringing up the sin. We don’t continually bring up the wrong, the offense that was committed. One of the reasons you have not come to terms that someone has wronged you is because you have not made a sacrifice to make it right.

 
God made a sacrifice for you and me to be forgiven, reconciled, restored and redeemed. You will find it possible to reconcile to someone----when you are willing to make a sacrifice for that reconciliation.

 

Sometimes Sacrifices are Necessary

When the Boulder Dam (now Hoover Dam) was built, it was the largest in the world. As is common on such projects, there were the inevitable accidents and some workmen lost their lives. When the dam was complete, they put a plaque into the wall. On it, they inscribed the names of the workmen who had died during construction. The plaque begins, “These died that the desert might rejoice and blossom as the rose.” The building of the Dam was important, and the loss of life was tragic, but without those sacrifices, the Dam would not have been completed. Sometimes sacrifices are necessary for reconciliation and sometimes they are necessary for restoration. As difficult as the sacrifices we must sometimes make, we must realize that in the end relationships can be restored, lives can be redeemed and that which was desert can blossom as the rose.

The Behavior of Serving

"For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another." - Galatians 5:13

“From now on, any definition of a successful life must include serving others.” President George H. W. Bush

With all due respect allow me to paraphrase the above quote from former President George Bush and say, “Any definition of growing a good relationship should include serving others!” Serving is another behavior that will help us grow a culture of good relationships and knowing the importance of serving will improve our relationships in our marriages, families, places of worship, work place and community.

The master of relationships said it most eloquently Matthew 23:11, “…He that is greatest among you shall be your servant. (Jesus) ” It is the behavior of serving that elevates our standing with others and helps us connect with those with whom we are most intimate.

Serving is a behavior God honors Being a servant it the highest honor God gives to anyone in Scripture, for example God said,

“My servant Moses” Numbers 12:7

“My servant Caleb” Numbers 14:24

“My servant David” II Samuel 3:18

“Naaman my servant” II Kings 5:6

“My servant Job” Job 2:3

“My servant Isaiah” Isaiah 20:3

“My servant Eliakim” Isaiah 22:20

“My servant Jacob” Jeremiah 30:10

“Zerubbabel my servant” Haggai 2:23

Moses was a great leader, a great organizer and was used to write the first five books of the Bible, but God does not commend Moses for his amazing leadership, God commends him for serving, as He did the others listed. We can see that God regards the behavior of serving an important attribute in a relationship with Him and for us in our relationships with one another.

Galatians 5:13-14 helps us put the power and importance of the behavior of service into perspective. For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another. (14) For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Although Jesus, Paul and others often stress the importance of being a servant and serving others, Galatians 5:14 is the only place in Scripture where we find the term, “Serve one another.” To profit the most from this behavior principle let’s consider the context of Paul’s letter to the Galatians. The letter is written by the Apostle Paul to believers who had slipped back into old habits and practices. The primary theme of this letter is salvation by faith and not works. In the portions of the letter where Paul makes the statement “by love serve one another” he continues by quoting Jesus in verse fourteen, “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself”. Paul is teaching the Christ followers at Galatia to live out Jesus commandment to “Love thy neighbor as thyself” by serving one another.

The word “neighbor” has a broad definition that spans from “one of the human race, to anyone that needs our help, to one who lives near another, to an intimate confidant”. We also have Biblical examples of who our neighbor is, the good Samaritan saw the wounded man on the street as his neighbor, other references are given that a neighbor is one who lives close to us, and as the word neighbor is used in Galatians 5:14 it means one who is close in a relationship such as a friend, family member, child or spouse. 

The Bond of Serving 

Our relationship with those we are closest to should be our priority and should be the people we seek to serve the best, so I encourage you to think of those to whom you are the most intimate as we continue.

The word serve comes from the Latin word Servio, from the noun servus, meaning a servant or slave. When one first reads this definition they may think of this in a negative way, slavery as we know it is a terrible thing, but the meaning is not the same. The word serve has the idea of being bonded to another and ministering to them, or meeting their needs and I will add sometimes their wants. It is not a matter of you being a servant or slave in that they own you, but that you are bonded to them therefore you serve them or minister to them. In my mind this takes our close relationships to a whole new level. As I evaluate my close intimate relationships I ask myself what is my bond to this person? What is my connection to them? I have a special bond to my wife, another special bond to my children, to my grandchildren, to my siblings, and to my close friends. A pastor has a bond to the people he serves, a doctor has a bond to his patients and we have a bond with the people with whom we work to earn our living. It is beautiful when we see ourselves as bonded to the people we love and when we realize the importance of service in our relationships.

The Behavior of Service 

Ken Blanchard said, “I think a great leader is somebody who realizes it’s not about them, it’s about the people that they’re serving, that they’re really other –directed rather than self-directed.”

One of the best human examples of the behavior of service is the example of a good mother. A good mother sacrifices her rest, her health and her own well-being to care for the needs of her children. As well as a good father who will also sacrifice things he needs for the needs and wants of his children. Growing a culture of good relationships is a matter of being unselfish; it is putting the needs and even the wants of the other person above our own. My wife and I saw the behavior of service first hand in the lives of her grandparents Joe and Marcie Lux. Joe lived to be ninety-two and Marcie lived to be eighty-seven. In their later years they served each other in their bond of love, we saw them live out the wedding vows they made to each other some sixty years earlier. One time when Joe was in the hospital we went to visit him and there was Marcie, ever the devoted wife, shaving Joe, and caring for his every need. And later on when Marcie had a severe stroke that left her unable to walk, talk or feed her-self; we went to visit several times at the assisted living home where they resided to find Joe in the dining hall, feeding Marcie with a spoon and pushing her along the hall in a wheel chair. They were a living example of the behavior on being bond-servants to one another. They were bound by their love and they expressed that love through the behavior of service.

A good word to include with the behavior of service is the word minister and to look to Jesus as our best example, He initiated reaching out to others to minister to their physical, emotional and spiritual needs and He did this through His behavior toward them.

Jesus fed a hungry multitude; He restored sight to the blind, He healed the cripple man at the Pool of Bethesda, He went out of his way to have a conversation with an outcast woman at a well where her life was transformed because Jesus ministered to her. He enjoyed the company of His friends Mary, Martha and Lazarus. He touched a leper and healed him. He ministered to the man in the tombs who had been abandoned by society and cast the demons out of him and loved him and gave him hope. He ate with sinners and publicans. When He was with His disciples He washed their feet and when He was alone He prayed for them. The bond Jesus had with all of mankind is love. He came to serve and did so sacrificially. And we all desire to hear Him say to us on that day, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

We conclude then that serving one another is a behavior whereby we express love and if we understand that God deems serving a wounded stranger lying on the street as a behavior of being a good neighbor, then we can also conclude that God deems those people in our lives with whom we have a closer more intimate relationship even more important.